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Orange is the New Black Season 3 Episode 2: Bed Bugs and Beyond
Don't read if you don't like spoilers/recaps. That is all.
I hope you've been having a good day and are ready for me to recap the best lesbian prison drama out there. If not, then, well...
This episode starts out with the same, "The animal, the animal..." and I mean, I love it, but it's so long... I'm going to go get a drink. Okay, I got two drinks. I'm prepared.
Flacka is being checked out by the doctor for crabs. Apparently she has a history of crabs, too. The doctor informs her that she can't get crabs on her arms.
Prepare for the Martiza and Flacka fanfic where they deal with crabs..
I just went there and I'm sorry.
They're bed bugs. Not crabs. Silly Flacka! All the hispanic inmates are flipping out about the bedbug issue, which is understandable. Bed bugs suck.
We see Red upset. She pieced two and two together and figured out Piper lied, and calls her out on her bullshit. She says, and I quote, "In Russia, I call bullshit," and also, "Nice is for cowards and democrats." Red is probably the most quotable in all of this series. Kind of like Asher from HTGAWM, or Paris from Gilmore Girls.
Mendez's mom comes in. I don't even have to know what's going to happen. I just know it's going to be drama, because anyone who let that Moustache-clad little shit into the world is not a friend of mine. At least she seems nice, despite the fact she's making Asher Bennett uncomfortable. Apparently George says he loves her!
Just wait until that baby comes out without a moustache. Then, you will know.
She's not here to see Daya, she's here to see the other grandmother. Daya's mother wants that baby to have her complexion, and I agree. Her complexion is quite nice. Daya's mom wants the baby to live with her scummy boyfriend- or as she puts it- her domestic partner. Creepy Moustache Guy's mama wants to adopt the baby to make that baby live a better life than her son. Then, we get the best, most offensive line from Daya's mother after Mendez's mother says not all of her sons are creepy. One is in dental school, and the other is an art historian.
"So you raised a sadist, a dentist and a homo? Two sadists, and a homo."That was offensive medal-worthy, Daya's mom.
George's mom tells her that she has every right to be upset, but there's things she can offer this child. Perhaps she can offer shaving cream this time around. Daya's mom says her child can never be unraped. Then, I'm pretty sure Daya's mom just sold her grandchild.
Bennett comes around and informs Daya that her mom is in visitation with the woman who never taught her children what shaving cream is, apparently. Daya says that she knew George's mom wrote her, but she said no. Which meant that she never responded back. Which is no in my world, too, Daya! Bennett is liking the fact he can see his woman all at once, which means that this is the part where Daya is standing in her underwear. Daya is so pretty, and they're so sweet.
Caputo comes by with Tasha (I forgot her name again, so she's being referred to as Tasha) and offers the inmates new clothing until all the bedsheets and stuff are washed. Flacka ain't into that because it's so thin, but Martizia is, because it's her color. Martizia can make anything her color. Caputo is being a douche to Daya and Bennett.
Asher/Bennett gets written up for standing there, talking to Daya. That sucks. And... flashback. Asher/Bennett is doing his service for the country and is being told off by someone like Caputo. Guy telling off Asher/Bennett says something racist about Muslims, so I'm ignoring most of this. Asher/Bennett has to prove himself here, just like at Litchfield.
Penny is talking to her on-again-off-again boyfriend
God damn it, Caputo.
Black Cindy tells off some poor girl trying to sit at their table, which reaffirms my thoughts that sometimes, everything in life is like high school. I know a girl at my high school like Black Cindy, but Black Cindy is way smarter than her. Also, better. Poussey comes by in her underwear because of the bed bug thing, which probably made a thousand lesbians' hearts pop out of their chest. Also, Norma got Poussey into voodoo. They stop eating their food, because the hispanic inmates are the ones with the bedbug problems.
Then, one of the Meth Head Powderpuff Girls come by. My least favorite to hate! Pennstucky. She's sitting at the wrong table, because Black Cindy is going to tell a bitch off. Because that's Black Cindy. They're telling her that this is a blacks only table, and Pennstucky tells them that this is discrimination.
Pennstucky says something about Hell and their mama that I can't repeat here, and Suzanne is going to kill of 1/3 of the Meth Head Powderpuff Girls with a potato. Taystee stops her, because Taystee is that one friend who isn't down with murder. Like Michaela from HTGAWM.
Murder weapon: a potato
Piper is there to cheer up her Alex, and asks her why she's not getting food. Apparently, Alex doesn't want to be around all these half-naked women because, "Some things are better in mystery." Piper think she secretly loves this, which, in all honesty, she does. I mean, have you seen Martizia? Piper offers her bottoms, and says something that I think is going to lead into a mommy kink for Alex. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Alex is having a panic attack, because Cooper is probably going to kill her. Piper talks chimpanzees.
Nicky and Big Boo are talking about some serious shit, which depresses me. So I'm not going to talk about it. All I'm saying is that they're going to get in big trouble.
Daya's mom and Daya's adopted mom are cooking oatmeal. Daya's mom is saying that the oatmeal should be for breakfast, not voodoo. It's not for either. It's to stop the itch.
Asher/Bennett comes by looking all intimidating, and tells Daya's real mom that there have been complaints about moldy rice and he needs to know where they store it. Daya's real mom rolls her eyes. Asher/Bennett just made this up to have an intervention as to why she was talking to a woman who couldn't even buy shaving cream for her own kids.
Daya's mom is caught in some deep shit, though, because this intervention also contains Daya. You know, the mother of the seamonkey. Daya's mom tells them that the seamonkey's fake grandma wants to adopt the seamonkey and raise it. She tells them that she raised two sadists and a homo, so that means that she has a 1/3 chance of the baby turning out alright. Daya's pissed.
Daya's mom points out some good points, including that her piece of scum boyfriend is bound to fuck up and end up in the prison system. Asher/Bennett is upset, because he doesn't want a woman who raised Pornstache adopting their seamonkey. This is stressing Daya out, which isn't good for the seamonkey. Then, it gets sad.
Poverty is one of the roughest ways to live on this Earth.
Basically, Daya's mom points out that the baby could possibly have their own room, and clean towels out there with Pornstache's mother. The baby won't have five other siblings to deal with at home. The baby will have a chance at a life that Bennett/Asher or Daya could probably even give them.
Asher/Bennett says that Daya and himself don't need towels, because they're happy. But... Asher... what about the baby? This seems like a very Larry thing to do. Then... flashback.
If you watch HTGAWM, you've already seen Matt McGorry dancing. You've also seen him make out /have sex with Paris Geller and not die from a heart attack like the other Asher, but that's beside the point. But, let me just tell you, he has some moves. This time around, he's dancing to a more familiar tune, with Hollaback Girl by... Gwen Stefani? Right?
Caption contest!
There's a zoom in to a nice rack, and then they get told off by the Caputo of the army. He says it's only funny because the dudes are dancing, but I disagree. It's hilarious no matter what gender. Asher/Bennett is talking to someone who doesn't like the fact that in America, boys kiss boys. I mean, boys kiss boys everywhere, it's just a matter of whether or not you get caught. Like high schoolers.
Then, we see Brook in her granny underwear coming by with her laundry. 2/3 of the Meth Head Powder Puff girls are here, so it's going to get interesting. Unfortunately. As I bet you can tell, I don't like these girls very much. Well, Bubbles is the one I mainly hate. Long John Silvers Girl is kind of awful most of the time. Pennstucky kind of sucked at first, but she's also kind of awesome now. I don't even have the energy to recap this shit, but Brook is great and wants to make changes to the prison. So, like season 1 Piper.
Long John Silvers Girl starts to pick a fight with Nicky, and I remember exactly why I didn't take up the offer to work at Long John Silvers. Not only is my skin terrible as it is, there's a bunch of melodramatic fuckheads like her there. LJSG says that she better not be sniffing around Bubbles/Angie, because nobody likes an unwelcome lesbian. Well, the last part is untrue. Everyone loves Nicky.
Bubbles is apparently straight, which totally cancels out whatever fanfic I had in my mind of a happy and healthy polygamous relationship between the Meth Head Powder Puff Girls. Also, LJSG is apparently kinky. That's... I didn't want to know that. Not at all. Nicky keeps hitting on them as a joke, and I swear I see a smile on Brook's face.Then, they start badgering Doucheface #2 (who I can't be bothered to learn his actual name) about why the guys get to wear actual clothes while everyone else is in their underwear.
Then.. he gets it and undresses, because bed bugs suck.
Next, Black Cindy is spraying herself all over. Taystee points out that that's a bad idea, because it kind of is. See? Taystee knows shit, too. And then... Well..
Taystee tells Suzanne to stop getting all crazy every single time someone mentions Satan in the form of a prison inmate who got hit by a woman with terminal cancer. Black Cindy agrees and tells her that she needs to check herself. Then, Alex comes in and warns Taystee about warning and cation labels. While wearing a trash bag, and still managing to look hot in it.
All these fashion shows should take some tips.
Apparently, the spray is better than the pill, and also, was the pill before it was a pill. Suzanne points out the flaws in that, and Black Cindy changes the subject to why the white girls were allowed in the black girls' bathroom. Tasha comes in and intervenes on social hour, which is totally a Tasha thing to do. Alex gets snarky, which is totally an Alex thing to do, too. She gets a shot.
Tasha tells her that she's going to seg, which is awful. I mean, come on, it's not like she actually murdered someone. She just points out the flaws of the prison. Piper defends her, and Alex only ends up with two shots. Which, yay. Alex starts to sob in the bathroom.
The next part, though, I already knew about. Someone on Tumblr spoiled me. It sucks, because I thought this was totally sweet.
See, the thing that I love about Daya and Bennett is how simple they are. They're not the kind of couple who will ever have fancy lives, and maybe that's for the better. I feel like, when Daya gets out of prison, they're going to probably fail to use protection 50 more times, and end up like the better, less religious, and less psychotic version of The Duggars. They would get married at a simple wedding, and everything would be good.
This is totally how Bennett would propose, too.
Anyways, so she goes to their spot and finds that tobacco can with an, "Open Me" sticky note after getting a note from him telling her to go there. Daya turns around after getting the ring, and Bennett whips out his.. nevermind. his speech that I'm probably going to say some version of whenever I propose to a woman in the future.
"We will never be rich, and we will most likely live in a place that's not that big, but we'll work hard and we'll love each other. We'll find so much happiness that we won't even know what to do with it. We'll share with our kid- our kids. Will you marry me?"Of course, Daya says yes, because it was either this guy or some other fuckhead. And this fuckhead is better, of course. Because, despite the fact he might not be the brightest crayon in the box, or the most rich, he's her's. And... I probably would have liked this scene more if I hadn't been spoiled. Bennett/Asher is a dork, but he's going to be a dad. And a husband. This is the only heterosexual couple I can stand on this show, so I'm glad that things are working out.
Nicky is talking more shit that's going to get her in trouble with Doucheface #2 so I'm just going to skip until there's something better that doesn't depress the shit out of me, okay?
Poussey wants voodoo shit to be performed on her by Daya's adopted mom and Norma, but it's not happening. Norma is a badass and breaks the egg just to make Daya's adopted mom's day harder. Poussey smiles.
Then, Alex says a line I've said many times before:
Alex is so angry, and it's understandable. Piper just wanted a friend after Larry dumped her ass, and I can understand that, too. But it wasn't right for her to go call Davey Crocket and tell him that Alex was in danger. Alex says a naughty word that starts with c.
Then, we go to another sad place. You know, the library. Caputo has the exterminator with him, and the exterminator tells him they might have to burn the books. You know, I really don't think this guy is an actual licensed exterminator, but it's all good. As long as he doesn't make Poussey cry.
Then, Taystee, who is swearing on her life that this bed bug in the book is actually just a muffin crumb, goes and tastes it. She's not so sure now, but all I know is that this is disgusting.
We see Asher/Bennett in a plaid shirt at Cesar's house, with a very beautiful girl in the doorway.
Asher/Bennett, being the awkward son of a bitch he is, brings a gift for Lucy and also tells Cesar he proposed to his baby mama so there's some less drama. Cesar congratulates him in the Cesar way. Then, my idiotic self who didn't realize that the ring was made out of gum wrappers (I was more or less guessing a ring from a 25 cent machine) gets informed that it indeed was made that way. God, that's so Bennett. Cesar tells her to get her a real ring, and Asher/Bennett tells him that he can't in prison because Daya will get shanked for it.
Cesar knocked up the beautiful girl, and that's why she's here. Of fucking course he did. Bennett gets a stern talking to, and Cesar even offers him movies and candy like he does with the kids. You know, just so he won't tell Daya's mom, because a bitch would kill that sorry-ass motherfucker for knocking up another girl while she was in prison.
Then, Asher/Bennett doesn't even remember who Lucy is. I understand you, man. I go through similar crap with my extended family. People are lucky I even remember my own name. Lucy asks him if he brought her a Barbie, and he didn't.
This is the face of a man that's dead inside
Cesar makes him stay for dinner.
We're back to Caputo's, and he's talking to a guy named Mitch. Mitch says he misses Fig, and also tells Caputo that the money saved from all the early releases should have saved him some money for the extermination. Mitch tells him that he's not replacing the mattresses just to get rid of them again in two months, and then... holy shit. They're closing the prison down.
Cesar's secret seamonkey's mother is telling off one of the kids for talking bad about vegetables to Cesar. Asher/Bennett is looking all awkward until... of course. The small fight over vegetables leads to Cesar pulling out a gun on the poor kid. Suddenly, his beautiful secret mother of the seamonkey isn't looking so beautiful. What the hell? This is like when Nathan pulled out a gun on Chloe in Life is Strange, except there's no rewind here. What a complete ass.
Then... backstory. Bennett just finished up a combat tour and is talking to some guy I'm thinking is gay. Then, the Caputo of the backstories tells him to eat his motherfucking ice cream after Bennett makes a very Asher-like joke. Then, holy shit again. They start shooting an innocent man. Guy who I assumed was gay sacrifes his own life by tossing himself on the thing that gave Bennett his disability, and I was all sad until..
Healy's watching dogs on YouTube farting. That is, until Red comes in and tells him that she wants her lawyer on her visitation list, and her husband off of it. Healy tells her to take a seat. She tells him that she married a pillow, and man, I agree. I feel like we know enough about Red that we know that there was no way in Hell that a marriage with her would work out unless her husband was literally Satan in a bag. Healy gets all philosopher on her, but he's not good enough to be Yoga Jones. So Red insists.
We all know how this is going to turn out.
Healy goes all stereotypical Healy on Red, telling her she can't call her husband mean things because men have feelings too. Red gets upset, because Healy is probably a little right.
Then, more stuff about Big Boo, Nicky, and drugs. I don't want to hear this.
Next up, Caputo and company are burning the mattresses. Then- something that might make Poussey cry- happens. Caputo, in his, "Nothing fucking matters" state, burns the books.
People are making their own mattresses, and of course Brook made her own out of leaves. That's so Brook. Chang is apparently a supernatural and sleeps standing up. Then, we get a Red and Piper moment. Red tells her to stop buying her own horseshit, which is probably something she needed to hear. Piper realizes some shit.
Then, we go back to Asher/Bennett. He's looking at a picture of Daya when she was younger, and Cesar tells him the story behind the photo. It's a pretty funny story about her quinceanera dress catching on fire because Daya's mother is kind of a fuck up.
Cesar tells him it's not easy being with someone in prison, and Asher/Bennett agrees with him. Then, Cesar, being himself, tells him to get a side hoe. Then, he says some more bullshit.
"Kill me, kill me, kill me..."
Next, we see Piper and Alex. Piper and Alex have a moment of hate stares, and then Piper tears down the tape closing off the library and goes in there. Alex follows, and slaps her for obvious reasons. Then, it turns into a hateful love scene.
At least we get to hear some rocking music and get to see Alex's totally hot thigh tattoo when Piper finally learns how to go down on a woman.
Bennett is upset while in his truck and it's upsetting. He drives off, and there's a song playing that keeps repeating the word asshole. Cool. And that's all, folks!
I really didn't understand what he meant by "it's only funny because the dudes are dancing. Not her."
ReplyDeleteBecause the original video/dance is done by all females. Since they're dancing to it, it better be all men, or else he doesn't find it funny.
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