Warning: Do not read any of this unless you want spoilers. It's all your choice if you want to read this and get spoilers. Also, another warning, I will show bias for characters because I'm Brianna and I believe that I will give characters gold stars if they're acting like gold star people. I also got spoiled in a part because I made the mistake of logging onto Tumblr, so I'm a little peeved right now.
So, just before writing this post, I rewatched HTGAWM because I have no self-control anymore and nobody tells me when to go to bed. So I'm probably going to stay up at unhealthy hours watching this. Have fun witnessing this, okay? I'm probably going to call Alex Donna multiple times or Asher Bennett and I'm sorry.
If you don't remember what happened last season, well, go to some other place to reread it or something. My blog was made in January of this year, friend! I don't have it!
We start off with the same opening credits until we see the familiar face of Pennstucky, aka the girl I hated so much I wish they would have taken her out Sam Keating-style until they gave her a backstory.
Just because I hated you so much in the past, I'm going to apologize by making you the first image on the post.
They're talking about dirty talk with that one security guard that I feel like is named Penny but honestly? I don't care enough about the staff at the place to remember their names. All I know is Asher Bennett and Pornstache and the rest I just give nicknames based on the situation. So, let's go with Penny, the woman with red hair and I feel like, outside of those prison walls, probably reads all sorts of smutty fanfiction about heterosexual celebrities. Mhm, you go Penny!
Pennstucky says something racist in front of the black security guard and I might take back what I said about her. God damn it, Penn. I thought we could trust you around these parts.
The two security guards start speaking about Rosa (I forgot her name and thought it was Rosie, oops) and how much of a badass motherfucker she is. Which, I agree. Taking out Vee was the most badass thing someone with a terminal illness could have ever done. I mean, that's even more impressive than all these Flordia stories, damn it!
Pennstucky starts talking all crazy and I realize I want her to shut up until... Oh backstory! I realize that this episode is going to make me cry and have to put money in the crying jar. You know, like the swear jar, but each time I cry, I put more of my nonexistent cash in it. Now, Penny, Pennstucky, and the black security guard are shopping for stuff for Mother's Day.
I'm writing all of this as I post. Also I decided that the one on the right is going to be called Tasha, just because I miss Tasha from The L Word. Also, we could all see Tasha ending up as a security guard at a prison.
Penny starts explaining how people in her family have 'young ovaries', and damn it, I wish that a certain family on TLC had 'old ovaries' so they would stop having so many kids for their cult family. Maybe I'm just bad at telling age (and I am) but I was going to guess Penny was in her mid-30s. Is that what she is?
Then Pennstucky says something racist, and damn it, I'm disappointed in her. Go back to the troublemaker's corner, Doggit. And no, I'm not suggesting solitary. That's cruel.
We go to that one nun lady who I don't really remember past nun lady who spent time with Red and talked about something that, ehm. She thinks an inmate is having a panic attack, which I instantly feel bad for because panic attacks are literally the devil. Although, she's just trying to find some peace, which I also feel for. I need peace, man.
Aha, the woman who I really continued watching the series for in season 1 returns on my screen! It's Red! She makes a comment about how she missed nun lady like a bulldog misses his balls, and frankly? Dealing with cats, I know cats miss their balls twice as much as a bulldog. My cat Clyde still cries at night over his balls being taken away from him. To be fair, it was for the better for you, Clyde!
Red sticks something inside her shirt. I had to replay 3 different times to see if I could figure out what it was just by this image. Drugs? Cigarettes? Something to stab Pennstucky with? I don't know. I just don't know.
Red's turned over a new leaf and is handing her drugs out to people for free. Don't do that, Red. Just.. please. But the woman she offered the drugs to only shares spit with her man and her babies, apparently. No comment.
Alex will take it! The Alex with a fucked up eye, though.
Caputo is talking to Tasha about her cosmetology degree and tells her that she's smart and qualified. Tasha starts analyzing him immediately, and I have a feeling where this is going.. He tells her that she's needed at Litchfield. Which, yes, Tasha has already earned her approval from me.
Hell yea, a gold star for you, Tasha! Just, don't do the thing I think you're going to do. You get this star to make you hold yourself to a higher regard.
Taystee comes by and confirms what I'm thinking. Not about the thing with the 'darker berry', you sick minded perv! I still love you long time though, promise. More about that they're romantic interests later on, possibly. Turns out Tasha is a counselor here, even though Healy is, too. This is going to get interesting, Taystee. I prefer Tasha, though. Healy still hasn't earned his gold star with me.
Asher- I mean Bennett- comes by. Tension happens when he calls the inmates girls, because Caputo has his shit together unlike that one woman who got in trouble for embezzling last season, and he doesn't like faculty screwing the inmates, either.
Danya's mom is doing some shit with an egg with some girl I'm going to call Christie, just because I literally do not care right now. The egg breaks, which obviously means some bad things are going to happen to Christie. Like slimy egg yolk being on her body, obviously. Poussey comes by, and wonders what's going on. Omelettes, okay, Poussey?
Danya's mom wants her hooch from Poussey. Poussey got some plans on what to do for the kids, and I think it's brilliant. Poussey could sell literally anything to me. I would take ten. She could probably get me to watch Sharknado 2 in less than two sentences.
The power of Poussey.
Prizes are going to be tootsie rolls, which reminds me of a story that I probably can't tell. Then Danya's mom (aka my love) tells Poussey to call her mom for Mother's Day, and then Poussey says something sad about her mom passing away. Now I'm sad.
Piper and Guy-I-Won't-Even-Bother-With are talking about hypothetical suicides, which is even more depressing. While they're building mini-golf courses for these snotty (wonderful) kids. Golf could probably be confirmed as the most depressing sport. I'm confirming it, actually. I can't handle golf. Even mini-golf.
Piper gets mad, because GIWEBW is being depressing and then, he brings up Alex Donna. You know, the Hot One. Piper asks to go see her, but then GIWEBW has to be a douchecanon about it, because that's all he really is, if we think about it. He mentions TGI Friday's, and now I'm thinking about mozzarella sticks. Piper picks up something for the golf course I kind of want her to see her hit GIWEBW in the face with, but also, I don't. He makes a douchecanon comment and then we go to something more interesting.
SOPHIA. How I missed you! Sophia earned her gold star in season 1, but I might have to make her another one, just because.
Morello lies and says she has kids, because things have been rough for her. The woman sitting next to her actually has children, so she's a bit upset. Sophia has a soft spot for the pathetics, so it's all good until Morello says some transphobic stuff. Then.... Backstory.
Sophia's pregnant wife (or ex-wife now) is on the couch and she wants her baby out of her uterus. Understandable. It's a sweet moment, which reveals that Sophia is a bit scared of being a parent. Also understandable.
Then we see our love Nicki, who I have a very soft spot for. Mostly because she's a lesbian with hair like mine, so I believe we are connected. Except, drugs aren't my scene. We also meet the Meth Head Powderpuff Girls once more, with Bubbles and Long John Silver Girl. Neither of them impress me. They're missing Pennstucky, though, so they're not as strong as they could be.
Bubbles sucked some penis for some cool ranch Doritos. I'm honestly.. Okay, I like cool ranch Doritos as much as the next person, but no penis. Nope. Bubbles, get out.
Bubbles and Long John Silver Girl are being dumbasses about Nicki, so I can't recap anymore until they shut the fuck up. Seriously, I know girls like this in real life. You know, the kind who assume that, just because you like girls, you like them. Then they'll stare.
Bubbles never got a gold star, ever.
And we finally get a glimpse of a backstory for Nicki. Apparently her mom kind of sucks. Go figure. I like the maid, and Nicki is adorable as a child. Nicki made a card, and her mom didn't read it. And on the sadness meter, it's a 1500. Relatable meter? 800.
Then, Nicki and Morello are talking dirty to each other in the lunch line, like a high school couple. Doesn't last for long, because Alex is back, friends. I was going to say another word, but nope! Not here, not today, not now!
Suzanne gets upset at the table talking about what happened to Vee. She thinks Vee is fine. We all know Vee is not fine at all. Which is good, because Vee sucked. Also, TIL agree to disagree rhymes with Vee. Poussey starts talking about voodoo and shit, and... backstory...
It's a backstory with her mom. I just.. I'm going to tear up. God damn it, I'm only twenty minutes in.
Then, that Martiza girl is very excited about Mother's Day tomorrow. I personally think Martiza is adorable, so I'll allow it. If it was Bubbles, Bubbles can fuck off. Then we get to see one of my personal favorites, Danya! I just love a lot of characters named Danya, okay? This one is no exception.
Her mom is being a brat right now. She takes her letter from Mendez's mother and wants to see her grandchild. Hopefully, she doesn't realize that isn't actually her grandchild by the lack of a moustache when the baby comes out of Danya, but I'll stop there.
We get back to Nicki and Big Boo, and they're having a conversation about Big Boo's manhood. You know, we have this conversation with my friend Jordyn a lot when we all get together. It's awesome. Jordyn tells us to suck her dick, too!
We don't talk deals, though. Sorry.
Big Boo's going to be a clown. And, then we get to the witch ladies passing their blue balls of energy (hush) and Red's filling in her tunnel. Then, someone's stripping after a speech from that one girl who looks like a girl from my high school.
Healy is throwing a Healy-fit, and I really am glad I'll never have to give him a star here. Caputo? Caputo got a star when he fired Mendez. Healy says something offensive, and.... Well, tune in next post for the rest. This one has gotten so long my hands hurt from typing. Literally.
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