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Season 3 Episode 1 of Orange is the New Black: It's The Great Blumpkin, Charlie Brown PART TWO
Again. Do not read if you don't like my reward system. Do not read if you don't like the pain and burn of spoilers. Now, I'm not legally responsible for spoilers.
This song is in my head and I've had it in my head since 8 PM. I will be writing this post with that song stuck in my head. Just so you, my friend, understand.
Anyways, we left with No-Gold-Star Healy being a douchecanon for the jillionth time in his life. I mean, it gets tiring, doesn't it? Being that stuck up your ass, huh?
If you can't tell, I'm not fond of this guy. Caputo tells him to play nice, because Tasha (apparently her name is Berdie. I was close enough) is his coworker and I've learned in life that Caputo is right. Coworkers can be awful, but you know what's worse? Coworkers that know you hate them.
Caputo, Actual God.
Nah jk that goes to Poussey lol
And oh my God, we finally get a flashback. To a guy. To a guy who is staff at Litchfield. Healy. Ergh, let's see how this goes. His mom is insane. Cool. This scene reminds me of one of those low-budget Lifetime movies.
Then, lucky for me, that scene was short. We go to MY BABIES (no, not Connor and Oliver- although September 24th, baby!)
I'm dead. I'm officially dead. I'm so happy. It doesn't even matter what they're talking about. WHISPER SWEET NOTHINGS INTO EACH OTHER'S EARS.
Alex starts talking about her mom, and it's emotional. Piper comforts her, and even if Piper isn't the best comforter, (I'm not either, don't worry) it helps. Alex is upset because she could have made a life for herself. Which, she could have. But she's here now, with Piper. And Piper is basically saying that that's what matters. I'll agree with that.
Then, they get caught. Unfortunate. Then... Snotty kids!
We see Asher Bennett :) talking to Baldie Guy Who Loves Danya's Mama (I thought his name starts with a D- probably for douchefuckery) and he makes a comment to Bennett :) about the kids. Bennett :) ignores it, but if this was HTGAWM, it'd be different. But, on here, the Sam is a good person..
Then, PUPPIES. Then the next best thing, Suzanne comes by with her kite. Healy the Douchecanon says she's not allowed going out there with the kids. God damn it, Healy. So, let me get this straight. Since Mendez is no longer here, you have to ruin the fun of the inmates, now? Is that his position since Caputo took over? Professional Fun Ruiner? Just let Suzanne live her life.
Then we get this gem.
Then, Flacka (is that right? I don't know anymore. It's 5 AM and I really can't be bothered) paints a child's face and informs said child that they could just go to a My Chemical Romance concert. See, I'm going to be that asshole and point out that that style of face paint on the child would probably only work in The Black Parade era.
Poussey is being a gold star example of.. everything and telling Black Cindy (right?) to be nice to the kids. Taystee says she's done with mamas, and free. Poussey is sad about her mama, and now I'm sad for the billionth time.
Yoga Jones is going all Philosophy on these kids. I can't say this earns her another gold star, but she's doing good. Basically, I want to be the lesbian version of Yoga Jones but I'm not. Whoops. Not at all.
The woman I always think is Danya's mom (but isn't) is talking to her son and raises the important question of why do we get in trouble for skipping class and receive the punishment of missing more school? I feel you, Danya's secret mom. Her kid needs to get their delinquent ass over for visitation, though.
Poussey makes me sad again. Then an inmate who I'm going to call Ginger is being a terrible person and got drugs out of her baby's diaper and is now doing them in a portable toilet. Fucking wonderful.
All I can think about is, if you had drug mods installed, this is what Sims would do. No gold star, but I doubt you give a shit because you have drugs.
Morello is in charge of toilet paper. Nicki comes by, and Morello tells her she's lucky that she doesn't have to hand out shit paper. You know what? I feel this. I have to clean out the litter boxes of four cats, and of course, my cats are on a whole new level of special, so they do shit like bring plastic in there or drop jewelry in the boxes. I have to clean that up, and the rest of the people who deal with my cats just have to see them as these cute little fuzzy creatures who chase after imaginary things in the house.
My rant is over now. Morello wants company in the form of Nicki, and I completely understand. I would want Nicki to be my company, too. She's just so fun!
Poussey is about to make me cry. She's missing her mom, and she wants to contact her spirit.
Danya and company is talking about where the baby is and Asher Bennett comes by and asks how everything is going. Then he tells a dad joke about motherboards. Once I dropped my laptop when I was a freshman in high school and pretended I didn't know what happened. One of my dad's friends (who knows very little about computers, now that I look back at the situation) pointed out that the motherboard had cracked and was confused on how that happened.
Caputo is going to kill Asher (which is accurate to what happens in HTGAWM actually) Bennett because he won't leave Danya alone. Then, we learn that Caputo has had sexual thoughts about inmates. Then, he admits to touching himself while thinking about the inmates. Bennett tells him to stop, which I would too, if I was Bennett.
And, then this is when Bennett and Asher are one. He says that Danya is more than sex, which is what Asher said about our favorite mousy Paris Geller all grown-up. I'm literally weeping. I'm so happy. I didn't catch the last part of what Caputo says.
Sophia is talking to her kid while doing arts and crafts, and oh my god, I think I just realized something. This is how people got me to talk when I was 8. I probably would have confessed to murder if someone gave me the right arts and crafts.
Sophia is killing it. I love Sophia so much.
Martitiza or however you spell her name gets shit on- literally. She's not impressed at all. Which is why I'm not impressed with kids. Sorry, kids.
Penny or whoever finally busts open the pinata for the kids to make it less impressive in front of her man meat I've decided to name Lucifier. Don't even ask. There was no candy in there, though, and that's the metaphor for their lives, according to Brook.
Sophia doesn't like the pastor, which is understandable. I get the whole jealousy thing. And I'd want my kid to be properly knowledgeable about their body. And she gives him advice on girls, too! Sophia is a great mom.
Definition of perfection in a picture
Danya is getting mom'd by her mom. My mom does this to me too, but since I don't plan on being near anything that gets me pregnant, it's all in vain. Which, to be honest, is probably better for the both of us.
And... backstory! Daya's mom is holding her with some dipshit (I'm assuming) and it's emotionaly because Daya's mom just told her that she ruined her life. Daya's mom has a system going on with her kids, and if one gets lost, she gets the others to go find them.
Red is spending time with her family, and all is good and well... Until we realize that she doesn't know about the market closing and she actually has little to look forward to when she gets out.
Poor Red. She needs a flower crown.
Lucy being missing is going to ruin this event, I'm calling it.
Pennstucky is talking to her popsicle stick graves of her children, which is as depressing as it sounds. I can't even have the heart to screenshot it. Blake, Bonnie, Boyd, Bethany, Buddy Jr. and some other name never got the experience of living, and of course, it upsets her dearly.
Big Boo speaks to Pennstucky about books and Roe vs. Wade. While dressed up like a clown. And I feel like I'm in my criminal justice class again. She gets Pennstucky to feel better about her abortions.
Lucy being missing ruined it. I called it! At least Daya's mom got to swipe something of her daughter's beforehand, though. Probably the letter from Mendez's mom, wanting to know about when the moustache-clad kid will pop out and great the world with a smile.
Lucy was right there when Daya's mom gets on the ground. Everything is ruined and this is depressing.
Louise is angry because her boyfriend (or whatever- I don't remember half of the relationship statuses here. It's like high school, man) won't be bringing back the kid next week. And I'm sad for her.
And this? This just broke my stone cold heart in two.
She was just looking at comics. The funnies aren't even that funny, honestly. Just heartbreaking.
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