January 2015

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1/26/2015

Your Natural Hair is Beautiful!

   1/26/2015      

I hope someone else has told you that as of lately, friend! If not, some people really need to step up their game.

Yikes, sorry for not posting in awhile. I've been having a rough time as of lately, but I'll be fully back next month, I'm pretty sure. Just want to let you know that all your support on this blog makes everything in my life so much better. I swear.

Anyways, about two weeks ago- I think- I saw this video from Dove:

While there has been some criticism on this video for the little girls in this video not having curly enough hair, this video has a wonderful, wonderful, wonderful message.


I remember when I first walked into middle school, I walked in and noticed all the girls had hair a lot different to mine. They had neat, straight hair and clean faces. I, however, had wavy, messy hair and broke out a lot. 

The first time I straightened my hair was at my cousin's house. I loved it, honestly. I wanted to keep my hair like that forever, because everyone at school would love it! It made my hair look so much longer! 

I went home, asked my mom if she could do my hair like that every single day, and she pulled out a curlier. She didn't want to purchase a straightener. She did my hair, but it wasn't the same. I cried when I looked in the mirror. I knew my hair wasn't good enough.

I guess why I decided why this topic was appropriate for me to write about today was because there's this girl I know who is trying to get me to straighten my hair every single day. She's trying hard to chip away at my confidence as of lately. She's the kind of girl who has limited interests outside of boy drama and always has straight hair. A few years ago, she would have destroyed me. But today? Heck no.

I can tell you how people would say that I needed to fix my hair or sit down with me and say I'd look gorgeous with my hair straighten, but I feel like my readers would figure that happened a lot without me telling them.

After I started straightening my hair for awhile, I had my days I'd just leave my hair naturally because I was too lazy to do it. There would be random compliments here and there, and I just smiled painfully because my natural hair wasn't good enough a few years ago, was it? So why was it good enough now?
I remember a therapist telling me that me not doing my hair was a sign of me having depression. I also remember a boy telling me too many times that my hair was a mess and I needed to straighten it like the other girls. I also remember my own mother telling me that my hair when it wasn't brushed made me look "homely". 

I started to realize that a huge part of straightening my hair was just looking for approval from others. Because deep down, a lot of our actions when you're young is searching for the approval of others. It's disgusting, vile, and I hope everyone gets past that.

So I would have probably burst into tears if I saw that Dove video a few years ago. Actually, scratch probably. I still cried when I saw it nearly 2 weeks ago. It said all the right words nobody told me before I started burning my hair or putting relaxers in it.  

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1/19/2015

1/16/2015

Sometimes You Don't Need The Whole, "Be Happy" Talk

   1/16/2015      

Sometimes, we get sad. Sometimes, we know why we're sad. Sometimes, we don't know why. All that matters is that you know you're allowed to be sad.

Whenever you're sad, there's always that one person that says, "Be happy! Try your hardest to be happy! Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!"   While their intentions are good, (I mean, I want you to be happy... I don't think it's a bad thing to want people to be happy) it's not realistic to expect people to be happy every single day. Even people who act like they're in an excellent mood every single day has a sad day every once in awhile.

What you need to be told is, "It's okay to be sad. Just remember you're awesome, don't get too wrapped up in the sad, and just remember that tomorrow could be the best day of your life. You're allowed to wrap up in all the blankets you own and rest. It's not lazy to relax. You can have an off day."

Here's a list of good things you can do when you have a sad day:


  1. Listen to a band like The Script. I prefer to listen to their older albums on these days.
  2. Lay down, turn on Netflix, and watch a good series or movie. (Psst, they just added F.R.I.E.N.D.S. on there!)
  3. Drink tea. 
  4. Eat whatever you like.
  5. Talk to your pets. It helps.
  6. Get out your pajamas and get out your slippers. Wear them.
  7. Take a deep breath. Take two. Take three.
  8. Read a good book.
  9. Go on cat blogs.
  10. Take a nap.
See you Monday, friends! I'll be back when the day is new! I hope you have a nice weekend!


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1/14/2015

Celebrate ALL Progress!

   1/14/2015      

Friend! I've missed you! I haven't been writing the past few days because I've been in a kind of sour mood. I don't like bringing my sour moods to my blog posts.

Are you working on something, like a book? Homework? Becoming a better person? Recovery?
Well, keep working on it, but don't forget to pat yourself on the back for the progress you're making on it. You're working hard, I'm sure of it!

I think we forget that it's okay to celebrate any of our achievements like we did when we were younger. It's okay to be extremely proud of yourself for making any progress, small or big. As long as you're making progress.

I think we all need to understand that there's some things in life we're only going to make progress on. We're never going to finish some of these things. You shouldn't start to panic when I say this, though.

I remember once an art teacher saying that we'd never be truly finished with an art project. We'd only get to a good stopping point. We'd always have flaws in our pictures. At the time, I was saying, "Liar!" Now I understand that what they were saying was right.

Another thing that we only make progress on is something I feel like a lot of people are scared of talking about. Which is why I'm actually kind of nervous (no pun intended) to talk about it here. In fact, I'll admit I've been avoiding it for the last few blog posts. Which is silly because these things affect a lot of people.

If you have a chronic mental illness, you're always in recovery, it seems like. Your recovery is full of good times, and also the terrible times. Your recovery is full of those mornings you get up at five in the morning and get yourself some coffee and watch your dogs from the porch as you plan your next novel. It's also full of those times you don't wake up until two in the afternoon and don't do anything the whole day because there's too many awful thoughts in your head to really do anything productive. 

Your progress in recovery is less likely to look like this:
The hearts in the background of this picture symbolize all the support that you should get when you have a mental illness.

It's more likely to look like this:
The black background symbolizes how lonely it feels when you have a mental illness. 
The white line is, of course, progress.
 
For you that don't have a mental illness, you may be wondering why I don't refer to the days where I lay in bed until two in the afternoon as a waste.

It's never a waste to take a day for yourself. I'm allowed to be sad, and rest the whole entire day. I'm also allowed to wake up the next day and feel like I'm on top of the world.

Last year, I decided to start this journey. I decided to fight the world headfirst, take out the people who were causing me so much pain and place them somewhere far away from little old me, and live my life how I wanted it. There's days where I feel like I can talk and be friendly to everyone, but then there's days where I just sit down and wait for the hours to pass so I can go home as I'm scribbling in my sketchbook. Then I go home and feel like I'm having an anxiety attack, so I put on an old children's show and draw. Yes, watching children's shows is very calming, just watch the older ones. 

You're welcome.

Also, it's been two weeks since I've had an anxiety attack! Hooray! I'm going to celebrate by going on Tumblr! 

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1/12/2015

Dealing With Oppressive People in a Nice Way (Or Something Like That, I Guess)

   1/12/2015      

I prefer to think that you, friend, are not someone I consider an oppressor. I prefer to think that everyone that reads my little, old blog got the Tumblr education on all things social justice and know that being a racist, sexist, or anything like that just doesn't cut it.

Let me tell you a little story.

There's a fellow I love to see on the Internet. He's so nice and lovely and probably does the positive Internet scene more justice than I could ever. I think he's someone I've looked up to a lot while thinking about starting this blog. No, it's not Patrick Stump. 

I don't know if this wonderful man saw this when it happened, but a few months ago, he got in a disagreement over this pretty sexist comment a not-so-positive Internet personality made. Our positive Internet personality called this boy who made the sexist comment a misogynist. So a random Tumblr user started posting, "Positive Internet personality calls himself a positive, motivational speaker?! If he calls people misogynist, he shouldn't have a career!"

Another story.

I used to have a teacher my freshman year of high school who is a very devoted Christian. He kept The Bible on his desk and would read it aloud in my class if we said anything that he personally didn't agree with. He said he thought the president was awful because he was trying to make gay marriage legal and that was a sin. He said gay people were sinners and that he wanted no part in being around or talking to gay people. When kids in my class said they hated school or something, he would chime in and say that your heart shouldn't be filled with hate, but instead with love.

Really? I think the things you were saying about gay people were pretty hateful. You don't specifically have to say the word, "Hate" to mean it. What you're saying is oppressive and you're not allowing people who cannot change who they are exist. By the way, there were several gay students in the classroom, so it wasn't like he was preaching to the world's straightest classroom there.

When we are talking about nice people dealing with oppressive jerkfaces such as Not-So-Positive Internet Personality and Public School Teacher That Was Doing Awful Things, we have to remember who is really in the wrong. Heck, we don't even need to be talking about nice people dealing with these kinds of people! The people in the wrong are the oppressive jerks, not the people calling them out. 

What I'm trying to say is that we, as rational, not racist/sexist/transphobic/etc, don't have to tiptoe around the fact that yes, it's wrong to be oppressive. Personally, I like the way Patrick Stump deals with oppressive people. He lets them know that what they're doing is wrong and wants all of his followers to know that. Why be nice to people who are making it so hard to be nice to them because they're hurting our friends and family?
People have limits. Being mean to others can only get you so far in life. Friend, I give you permission to tell that special person you've somehow been blessed to deal with today that nope, their use of the f-word to that gay kid you know isn't going to cut it, or that no, they're white and they're not aloud to use the n-word. Stand up for others if they can't do it for themselves.

P.S.- 
I feel like this is the perfect time to mention that if any of you are being racist/sexist/transphobic/homophobic/etc, or just flat out rude I will not hesitate from blocking you. I try to make this blog as positive as possible, even when I'm in an awful mood, and feel like the world is crashing down around me and that there's nothing to be positive about. You don't get to take the joy I have for running this blog due to your rude attitude. If I can get over my bad attitude, you can, too. Keep your lame, boring kitchen jokes (and all the other rude jokes towards marginalized groups of people) to yourselves. Maybe learn new jokes to replace them.

I feel bad that these creatures live on the same planet as some of these awful people who feel like it's necessary to use the f-word in every other sentence.
Cats deserve better.



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1/09/2015

That Feeling You Get When You Look in the Mirror

   1/09/2015      

The blogger has posted a photo of one of the worst things to have when on a journey for self-love.
(Photo credit to Ikea.com)

According to what else? Google the average woman looks at their reflection 8 times a day. Men apparently look at themselves for longer periods of time but whatever. This post isn't about what gender looks at themselves the most, because we all know the cute as heck non-binaries look at themselves the most. This is about our reflection we have battles because of.

I look at the mirror a lot. I guess the worst part of it is that I have to look at myself through multiple mirrors. I gotta look at my bathroom mirror, and then I gotta see myself on my cell phone, then I must look at myself in my iPod's reflection, and if I'm feeling really bad about myself, I get out my kindle and stare at myself.

I think my head is too big. Heck, maybe it is. When will I reach that day, though, that I don't care anymore?

I feel like I should have reached that day a long time ago. I feel as if the day I started with trying to not be Brianna's Biggest Jerk in Life should have began with not using the mirror as a flaw detector. I feel as if that should have been the very first thing I started to toss out of my life, and the easiest thing to get rid of.

It's like the only thing that will solve this bizarre obsession of mine is a schedule, but who even makes schedules for this anyways? If I try typing in Google about mirror schedules, nothing autofills, so what's the point of making a schedule?

Spoiler alert: I'm not making a schedule.

Instead, I'm just going to cover up every single mirror in my home. Every. Single. One. I will live without you, mirrors! You will not torture me anymore! I will not deal with you! I will instead watch many of these videos and try to look at myself in my laptop's reflection! You can't stop me!

No, really, if you're doing this, instead of pointing out a bad thing, you're supposed to point out a good thing. Really, when I was making progress on this stuff, I was doing that, or I was repeating the neighborhood song from Mister Rogers' neighborhood enough that I didn't even care.

Guess I should start doing that again, huh? I will not waste as much time looking in the mirror as I do on The Sims! I have stuff to do! Bad thoughts about myself, go away! Don't come again another day! I'm playing The Sims all those other days!

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1/05/2015

Forgiving Yourself is a Very Difficult Thing, as I've Learned

   1/05/2015      

The struggle of wanting to name your blog posts song lyrics from these cool bands you love, but you realize you can't because it's not good to do that. It's a real struggle, I'm telling you.

I'm writing this, knowing I'm probably going to end up shoving it in my queue or in my drafts. I should probably be cleaning, I know, but I'm going to be rebellious and write on my little old blog instead.

I hope, friend, that you're in a good mood. If not, I hope it gets better. You're really great and you deserve to feel good. It's okay to be in a sad mood, though, but I hope it gets better in the end.

Anyways, on to the topic of today's blog post: forgiving yourself.

Sometimes, you're your own biggest critic. As someone who likes to draw and paint, I realize that most things I finish I'll never be able to look at and appreciate. I just move on to the next work and don't even look at again. Unless it's like, years later and I stumble upon my deviantART from middle school. 

 I just looked through my Tumblr blog to find this for you friends. 
I'm sorry for this. Like I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I published this on the Internet. I may not ever recover from this, and I don't even know how you're going to react. Christmas of 2011, probably.



Being your own biggest critic, and ultimately, enemy is the worst thing to deal with when you want to win and succeed. You know what's best for yourself, you know your own weaknesses and strengths, you're pretty sure you know who is on your side, and you know what music you listen to on a regular basis and makes you walk around the house getting your water like you're a superhero from a movie. So why do we criticize ourselves the most?

We shouldn't be so hard on ourselves! It's a silly way to live life! At least, that's what Pete Wentz thinks. Let's bring back emo for 2015. 

 But we are. We're so horrible to ourselves. We can't get past things we did years and years ago that everyone forgot about.

I feel like I'm on that one Tumblr page for problematic things celebrities have done that can't seem to forget anything they do. I can't get past the dumb stuff I did years ago.  I have an amazing memory that remembers embarrassing things from years ago, I probably suck at algebra because most of my brain's usage goes to awful middle school memories of my own.

Yet nobody else remembers it, and I try telling myself that over and over again. I tell myself that, if they even remember, that stuff happened months or years ago and they understand and forgive me. They're probably listening to the same Nirvana song as myself and shivering the same way I am when we think of stuff we did when we were younger. But there's that one tiny part of my brain- the most vocal part, unfortunately- that says differently.

How do I forgive myself for that awful time I was in a fight with my best friend or that one time I walked on the wrong bus? How do I forgive myself for failing in friendships I had a year or two ago? That's the thing. I don't.

I don't forgive myself. I retain this stuff and think I can't change and move on from the bad stuff. Which makes getting out of slumps of my own 500% worse.

I've had so many anxiety attacks over this kind of stuff. I try telling myself, "Brianna, if the world still remembers, the world does not care anymore. The world continued spinning and you continued breathing and listening to your weird music and watching your dumb YouTube videos. Everything will be alright. Even though you failed 8th grade algebra 1, you passed it in 9th grade like everyone else. You're in algebra 2 now, dummy. Get over it."

 Okay, confession time. I used to be very mean and rude. I was in a very, very toxic relationship with myself and someone else that wasn't out for me. It took me time to recover from that, and I said some very, very mean things and did some very awful things. Then I saw the light when I discovered Fall Out Boy and the lead singer you should all inspire to be a little bit more like and realized I wanted to be a much nicer person.

So I've been trying my hardest. No matter what kind of bad thoughts I've been having, I've tried my hardest to keep that smile on my face. I've been slipping, but after I fought the flu I think I'm back in action.

I feel like such a fake though. Yes, I feel like that one song by The Used. In the morning, I jam out to Bert McCracken's voice (I'm not a morning person, and he cheers me up, plus like I mentioned earlier, we gotta bring back goth this year) and try my hardest to understand what that song means, despite us coming from completely different backgrounds. I mean, I've declared being straight edge for a year now (hooray!) and I can say I've never touched drugs or alcohol in my life, but we all know that song is like the anthem of drugs and all that crap that clouded his life for so long. Oh well, songs have different meanings for different people. I'm sure he doesn't mind.

Being nice to people makes me feel like my hair color. Just in case you don't know, I'm not naturally a blonde. I dye my hair. It's not real. And in a really hard way to explain, I guess when I'm being nice to people it makes me feel like I'm not being true to myself.

I want to be nice though! I think nice things about people and try my very best to surround myself with nice, positive influences in life and try my best to cut back on swearing, so why can't I be nice? Why can't I run this blog, remember my manners, and be the person I know I can be?

I can't be that person because I haven't forgiven myself for getting in a bad place in the first place. I feel like I can't evolve into the person I need to be for all those awful times I was an awful friend, or an unpleasant person to be around.

I'm stopping this today, though. I can be exactly who I want to be. Who I need to be. I can stand up from the past and dust myself off and be the kind of person everyone knows I can be. I can be nice! The world will be less horrible when I try my best to forgive the past and be nice to everyone. I swear! I can't forget, but I can forgive. I can't forgive myself for that awful Christmas card-type thing I posted, though.  

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1/02/2015

2015

   1/02/2015      

Whoa!

Good afternoon (or whatever else good you're in- whether it be morning or night) to you! Happy new year, too!

I haven't wrote a blog post in awhile. I've been missing it. I stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning wanting to ramble on this thing. Yes, I do this a lot.

I'll try my best to post on here more often, I swear. I have a life sometimes.  Mostly I just listen to songs on my iPod, reblog photos of Frank Iero on Tumblr.com, and wash my hair. This is what my so-called life consists of. Oh, and I view cat blogs for at least 3 hours a day. At least I'm not illegally downloading music on Limewire!

But anyways, enough of explaining what my life consists of.

I hope you're having a great day. If you're not having a good day, then I hope tomorrow is better, friend! I just want you to know that you're spectacular and special.

So, let's get down to the real stuff.

Recently, I've seen a lot of stuff on Tumblr about being sad and nervous and anxious wanting to get past that. So it's been on my mind to write this post.

It's 2015. Anxiety attacks suck and I wish that, in 2015, more people really realized that. The people who actually want anxiety disorders confuse the heck out of little old me, because it's like, you Google the symptoms of an anxiety attack and realize it's actually terrifying.

I get it, it's hard to have an anxiety disorder. Everyone seems to think of something cute when people mention someone who has an anxiety disorder, which is one of the most irritating things ever. It's not cute. It's one of the hardest things to deal with in life. It feels like you're suffering alone. In most cases, you are.

But life gets better. I promise. There's better days ahead. You and me, we'll get through this together. We'll get through the people who supposedly want an anxiety disorder (they really, really don't) and don't understand what it's like for you and me. We'll get through this type of crap the world puts us up to. You're a fighter!

I promise you that we'll get through this year and make it one of the best years yet. Anxiety and panic, they've got nothing on us. Just remember to get some rest, take your medication (if you supposed to take it, of course) and be yourself. Don't be afraid to take days for yourself. You make your days.

And watch Mr. Rogers breakdancing, if you want to. You deserve it.



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