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Forgiving Yourself is a Very Difficult Thing, as I've Learned
The struggle of wanting to name your blog posts song lyrics from these cool bands you love, but you realize you can't because it's not good to do that. It's a real struggle, I'm telling you.
I'm writing this, knowing I'm probably going to end up shoving it in my queue or in my drafts. I should probably be cleaning, I know, but I'm going to be rebellious and write on my little old blog instead.
I hope, friend, that you're in a good mood. If not, I hope it gets better. You're really great and you deserve to feel good. It's okay to be in a sad mood, though, but I hope it gets better in the end.
Anyways, on to the topic of today's blog post: forgiving yourself.
Sometimes, you're your own biggest critic. As someone who likes to draw and paint, I realize that most things I finish I'll never be able to look at and appreciate. I just move on to the next work and don't even look at again.
I'm sorry for this. Like I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I published this on the Internet. I may not ever recover from this, and I don't even know how you're going to react. Christmas of 2011, probably.
Being your own biggest critic, and ultimately, enemy is the worst thing to deal with when you want to win and succeed. You know what's best for yourself, you know your own weaknesses and strengths, you're pretty sure you know who is on your side, and you know what music you listen to on a regular basis and makes you walk around the house getting your water like you're a superhero from a movie. So why do we criticize ourselves the most?
We shouldn't be so hard on ourselves! It's a silly way to live life! At least, that's what Pete Wentz thinks.
I feel like I'm on that one Tumblr page for problematic things celebrities have done that can't seem to forget anything they do. I can't get past the dumb stuff I did years ago. I have an amazing memory that remembers embarrassing things from years ago, I probably suck at algebra because most of my brain's usage goes to awful middle school memories of my own.
Yet nobody else remembers it, and I try telling myself that over and over again. I tell myself that, if they even remember, that stuff happened months or years ago and they understand and forgive me. They're probably listening to the same Nirvana song as myself and shivering the same way I am when we think of stuff we did when we were younger. But there's that one tiny part of my brain- the most vocal part, unfortunately- that says differently.
How do I forgive myself for that awful time I was in a fight with my best friend or that one time I walked on the wrong bus? How do I forgive myself for failing in friendships I had a year or two ago? That's the thing. I don't.
I don't forgive myself. I retain this stuff and think I can't change and move on from the bad stuff. Which makes getting out of slumps of my own 500% worse.
I've had so many anxiety attacks over this kind of stuff. I try telling myself, "Brianna, if the world still remembers, the world does not care anymore. The world continued spinning and you continued breathing and listening to your weird music and watching your dumb YouTube videos. Everything will be alright. Even though you failed 8th grade algebra 1, you passed it in 9th grade like everyone else. You're in algebra 2 now, dummy. Get over it."
Okay, confession time. I used to be very mean and rude. I was in a very, very toxic relationship with myself and someone else that wasn't out for me. It took me time to recover from that, and I said some very, very mean things and did some very awful things. Then I saw the light when I discovered Fall Out Boy and the lead singer you should all inspire to be a little bit more like and realized I wanted to be a much nicer person.
So I've been trying my hardest. No matter what kind of bad thoughts I've been having, I've tried my hardest to keep that smile on my face. I've been slipping, but after I fought the flu I think I'm back in action.
I feel like such a fake though. Yes, I feel like that one song by The Used. In the morning, I jam out to Bert McCracken's voice (I'm not a morning person, and he cheers me up, plus like I mentioned earlier, we gotta bring back goth this year) and try my hardest to understand what that song means, despite us coming from completely different backgrounds. I mean, I've declared being straight edge for a year now (hooray!) and I can say I've never touched drugs or alcohol in my life, but we all know that song is like the anthem of drugs and all that crap that clouded his life for so long. Oh well, songs have different meanings for different people. I'm sure he doesn't mind.
Being nice to people makes me feel like my hair color. Just in case you don't know, I'm not naturally a blonde. I dye my hair. It's not real. And in a really hard way to explain, I guess when I'm being nice to people it makes me feel like I'm not being true to myself.
I want to be nice though! I think nice things about people and try my very best to surround myself with nice, positive influences in life and try my best to cut back on swearing, so why can't I be nice? Why can't I run this blog, remember my manners, and be the person I know I can be?
I can't be that person because I haven't forgiven myself for getting in a bad place in the first place. I feel like I can't evolve into the person I need to be for all those awful times I was an awful friend, or an unpleasant person to be around.
I'm stopping this today, though. I can be exactly who I want to be. Who I need to be. I can stand up from the past and dust myself off and be the kind of person everyone knows I can be. I can be nice! The world will be less horrible when I try my best to forgive the past and be nice to everyone. I swear! I can't forget, but I can forgive. I can't forgive myself for that awful Christmas card-type thing I posted, though.
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