Nervous.

Nervous.

   9/23/2015       Unknown

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I really sometimes hate the person I am under stress.

So I guess I have to explain before I get into this post.

I failed a quiz. Like, the quiz was 15 points. I got 3 3/4 of the possible 15 points. So now I have a 55% in the class.

I don't exactly know if I can retake it, so I'm going to try to ask tomorrow if that's possible. Or if there's going to be enough grades by the end of the nine weeks that it'll all balance out. Seriously, want to see all of my grades right now?

Yeah, I know I shouldn't have taken math analysis, but you see environmental biology? That's literally the only other time I could take the regular math class. Environmental biology is a college class that I love. 

I'm not asking for it to look like the other grade. I know I'll never be the person to get an A in math. And that's okay. I just want a C in the class so I can pass and thus graduate and get the hell out of high school.

Fuck, I'm crying while writing this dumb post. It just.. it hurts.

See, I'm like Craig from It's Kind of a Funny Story. I can try all I want, but there's always going to be someone better than me at this sort of stuff. I'm basically like Craig's friend who has that girlfriend Craig wants to bone in my other classes, but math is horrifying for me. 

See, Craig worked so hard to get into that one school. He studied his ass off for that test and didn't even get a perfect 100. That quiz? I studied for two hours. I was looking up tutorials on how to do each problem, asking my friend questions about how to do certain things I didn't understand. Granted, Craig did better on that test but whatever, you understand, right?

I got into an advanced math class in middle school and I think it caused like 95% of the anxiety problems I have today. 

See, the advanced math class I was put in in middle school was supposed to 'help' me but really, it didn't. I didn't know simple algebra until last year. I'm a senior in high school. 

I remember how other kids would treat me different because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. My mom tried to get me out of my advanced math class in middle school, but the middle school guidance counselor told me that if I do good in it, I wouldn't have to take a math class my senior year of high school. I still didn't want to be in it, so obviously little twelve-year old me cried because I barely even understood my multiplication tables at that point and the pre-algebra being shoved in my face by a bunch of people who didn't know me. Guidance counselor decided to tell my mom I probably had some anxiety disorder (which I'm not denying and, frankly, good for her for trying to help) and still wouldn't take me out of the stupid fucking pre-algebra class. Instead of switching my schedule, she sent me to this therapist my family couldn't afford who told me I had depression because I didn't feel like straightening my hair and looking at boys.

I'm sorry, but I still don't agree with that guidance counselor to this very day. I had so many breakdowns because of that class I couldn't mentally handle. I couldn't focus when other people were doing everything so much better than me. Instead of just taking me out of the class and putting me in the class with people that were on the same level when I specifically asked for that, she just let me struggle.

I passed that class with a B or something because all the homework I inevitably Googled the answers to balanced out when I failed a quiz/test. 

The next year, I failed Algebra 1. 

I just hate asking for help. I know teachers are typically good people willing to help and I know for sure that my math analysis teacher is a good guy who likes to help the struggling kids, but there's just something about asking for help that makes me crack and end up in tears. 

I guess it's because I was kind of raised to accept that people don't usually help you. People are selfish and don't care. And asking for help is a sign of weakness. And yes, I did grow up poor. 

I know I need to ask for help to graduate. I almost broke down crying just to ask to be moved to the front of the class. 

If I fail this stupid class, I don't graduate and therefore I can't go to the college I want so I can get away from my creepy stalker who will probably end up stabbing me before the end of the year. 

So basically, I'm fucked unless I get the hell over this shit and just ask the man if there's going to be a chance I can retake that stupid fucking quiz I Wes Gibbins'ed for or if my grade will just balance out soon. 

I know the guy isn't going to scream in my face that I should work harder for it, but it's just the .0000000005% chance that he might that scares the shit out of me. Which causes me to have anxiety attacks in the bathroom. Which leads to me smearing my makeup. And tomorrow is Goth Day at school.

I just need to pass this class. I just need to pass this class. Which means I have to do what I don't want to do in order to pass this class. I need to graduate. I need to graduate to get the hell out of this town. I need to graduate and then I can party like I'm dying. Which isn't true because I will have passed high school and I will have earned an amazing achievement. I need to pass math analysis. I need to pass it. I need to pass it. I need to get a C in math analysis.

I don't really know how to incorporate a happy ending to this post, except for talking about HTGAWM. 

If I can talk to the teacher without crying, I guarantee it will be because I'm so excited for HTGAWM and that's literally all I will be thinking about during the conversation. 

I know Connor didn't do it (seems too invested in looking at pictures of his dork in the 2x01 preview) and my previous guess about Laurel is probably 125% wrong. I know they're setting it up to make it seem like Wes did it, but you know who they set up to make you think killed Lila? You know who it wasn't? The person we were led to believe it was.

I don't even know what to expect tomorrow. Like, do I expect Bonnie and Asher to have sex? Connor and Oliver? Connor and some other guy? Wes and Annalise? Laurel and Frank? WHO IS GOING TO FUCK. AND WHAT IS GOING TO FUCK ME UP? 

AND WHO KILLED HER.

All I know is that it looks amazing and is probably going to keep me on my toes. The last scene is probably going to be jaw-dropping and have lots of sex. Speaking of which, I'm not going to talk about the octopus thing in 2x03, but if you're really curious, you can look it up yourself. And I was just thinking, "What the fuck is up with the titles this season?" Then I read the interview. 

Seriously.