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9/23/2015

Nervous.

   9/23/2015      

I really sometimes hate the person I am under stress.

So I guess I have to explain before I get into this post.

I failed a quiz. Like, the quiz was 15 points. I got 3 3/4 of the possible 15 points. So now I have a 55% in the class.

I don't exactly know if I can retake it, so I'm going to try to ask tomorrow if that's possible. Or if there's going to be enough grades by the end of the nine weeks that it'll all balance out. Seriously, want to see all of my grades right now?


Yeah, I know I shouldn't have taken math analysis, but you see environmental biology? That's literally the only other time I could take the regular math class. Environmental biology is a college class that I love. 

I'm not asking for it to look like the other grade. I know I'll never be the person to get an A in math. And that's okay. I just want a C in the class so I can pass and thus graduate and get the hell out of high school.

Fuck, I'm crying while writing this dumb post. It just.. it hurts.

See, I'm like Craig from It's Kind of a Funny Story. I can try all I want, but there's always going to be someone better than me at this sort of stuff. I'm basically like Craig's friend who has that girlfriend Craig wants to bone in my other classes, but math is horrifying for me. 

See, Craig worked so hard to get into that one school. He studied his ass off for that test and didn't even get a perfect 100. That quiz? I studied for two hours. I was looking up tutorials on how to do each problem, asking my friend questions about how to do certain things I didn't understand. Granted, Craig did better on that test but whatever, you understand, right?

I got into an advanced math class in middle school and I think it caused like 95% of the anxiety problems I have today. 

See, the advanced math class I was put in in middle school was supposed to 'help' me but really, it didn't. I didn't know simple algebra until last year. I'm a senior in high school. 

I remember how other kids would treat me different because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. My mom tried to get me out of my advanced math class in middle school, but the middle school guidance counselor told me that if I do good in it, I wouldn't have to take a math class my senior year of high school. I still didn't want to be in it, so obviously little twelve-year old me cried because I barely even understood my multiplication tables at that point and the pre-algebra being shoved in my face by a bunch of people who didn't know me. Guidance counselor decided to tell my mom I probably had some anxiety disorder (which I'm not denying and, frankly, good for her for trying to help) and still wouldn't take me out of the stupid fucking pre-algebra class. Instead of switching my schedule, she sent me to this therapist my family couldn't afford who told me I had depression because I didn't feel like straightening my hair and looking at boys.

I'm sorry, but I still don't agree with that guidance counselor to this very day. I had so many breakdowns because of that class I couldn't mentally handle. I couldn't focus when other people were doing everything so much better than me. Instead of just taking me out of the class and putting me in the class with people that were on the same level when I specifically asked for that, she just let me struggle.

I passed that class with a B or something because all the homework I inevitably Googled the answers to balanced out when I failed a quiz/test. 

The next year, I failed Algebra 1. 

I just hate asking for help. I know teachers are typically good people willing to help and I know for sure that my math analysis teacher is a good guy who likes to help the struggling kids, but there's just something about asking for help that makes me crack and end up in tears. 

I guess it's because I was kind of raised to accept that people don't usually help you. People are selfish and don't care. And asking for help is a sign of weakness. And yes, I did grow up poor. 

I know I need to ask for help to graduate. I almost broke down crying just to ask to be moved to the front of the class. 

If I fail this stupid class, I don't graduate and therefore I can't go to the college I want so I can get away from my creepy stalker who will probably end up stabbing me before the end of the year. 

So basically, I'm fucked unless I get the hell over this shit and just ask the man if there's going to be a chance I can retake that stupid fucking quiz I Wes Gibbins'ed for or if my grade will just balance out soon. 

I know the guy isn't going to scream in my face that I should work harder for it, but it's just the .0000000005% chance that he might that scares the shit out of me. Which causes me to have anxiety attacks in the bathroom. Which leads to me smearing my makeup. And tomorrow is Goth Day at school.

I just need to pass this class. I just need to pass this class. Which means I have to do what I don't want to do in order to pass this class. I need to graduate. I need to graduate to get the hell out of this town. I need to graduate and then I can party like I'm dying. Which isn't true because I will have passed high school and I will have earned an amazing achievement. I need to pass math analysis. I need to pass it. I need to pass it. I need to get a C in math analysis.

I don't really know how to incorporate a happy ending to this post, except for talking about HTGAWM. 

If I can talk to the teacher without crying, I guarantee it will be because I'm so excited for HTGAWM and that's literally all I will be thinking about during the conversation. 

I know Connor didn't do it (seems too invested in looking at pictures of his dork in the 2x01 preview) and my previous guess about Laurel is probably 125% wrong. I know they're setting it up to make it seem like Wes did it, but you know who they set up to make you think killed Lila? You know who it wasn't? The person we were led to believe it was.

I don't even know what to expect tomorrow. Like, do I expect Bonnie and Asher to have sex? Connor and Oliver? Connor and some other guy? Wes and Annalise? Laurel and Frank? WHO IS GOING TO FUCK. AND WHAT IS GOING TO FUCK ME UP? 

AND WHO KILLED HER.

All I know is that it looks amazing and is probably going to keep me on my toes. The last scene is probably going to be jaw-dropping and have lots of sex. Speaking of which, I'm not going to talk about the octopus thing in 2x03, but if you're really curious, you can look it up yourself. And I was just thinking, "What the fuck is up with the titles this season?" Then I read the interview. 

Seriously. 



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9/16/2015

Hits and Misses

   9/16/2015      

On a scale of one to ten, my day has been a mild twelve in the OMG I HATE EVERYTHING category.

To summarize (lol like I can even summarize) I had to hear a long lecture about one of the most pointless things ever, basically told I was not good at said pointless thing, and after not focusing because I was extremely annoyed about being lectured about all things pointless, I dropped and shattered my iPod. I can still use it, but maybe I need to clarify that today just felt so pointless until then. Then I realized that I should have stayed at home watching Best of Gossip Girl scenes on YouTube, because at least I could look at Leighton Meester instead of looking at the people lecturing me about pointless things that nobody in the world cares about to the point they do.

So today I'd refer to as a hit and miss. Kind of like Shameless (US) season five.

I tried to make today a good day, I swear. I mean, I almost got to operate dangerous machinery!

But now I feel like complete crap, so I gotta vent on my blog while doing schoolwork. Actually, I'm lying, because I don't even have my book for said schoolwork.

I'm just annoyed with the whole entire planet and the only thing making me feel better is the fact How To Get Away With Murder comes back in nine days. All I need right now is Annalise Keating telling some bitches off. Also, I need the rest of the havoc caused by all the drama the other characters caused to play out.

(video)
Sometimes, I get asked why I like Connor and Oliver so much if I'm a lesbian. Because I've been doing gossip blogging on and off for a long time now, and I know a good dramatic gay ship when I see one. 
Also, yes, censorship of Connor shirtless is necessary. Protect da children!!!!!111

I think that sometimes, our whole entire life can seem like a big miss. That's why we take a bottle of water, our local fluffy orange cat, and wear some cozy pajamas that make us feel like we're in a fluffy version of Heaven on Earth and take a long fucking nap.

I probably need a book on how to deal with annoying people as of, like, yesterday.

  

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9/09/2015

Guess what I've been watching?

   9/09/2015      

I have had a crappy day so please excuse any of my excess cursing and whatever else I might say in this post that might strike you the wrong way.

So sometimes when I'm between writing blog posts and doing college work, I actually watch YouTube let's plays. My favorite YouTuber is KPopp, because she's a lot different from the other YouTubers out there. I mean, she's not really girly and she isn't afraid to say some uncensored shit. Which is cool, you know?

So, naturally, when she uploaded Until Dawn gameplay I watched it.

I mean, I hate horror films for the same reasons I hate scifi ones. The characters are too predictable and similar. Which makes the plot incredibly predictable. And honestly, if I'm expecting to be scared, that's all I'm going to think about in the movie.

I think the thing I like about YouTube commentary is that it can make otherwise lackluster gameplay into a whole new thing enjoyable to watch. Like The Sims. Talented commentators can make the boring, average, everyday lives of their Sims into a whole new thing if they're good at it.

So guess who is in Until Dawn? No, not Hayden! And not Amanda from Shameless! I didn't even recognize Nichole Bloom until KPopp pointed it out. 

The person I liked the most at first was Josh. He just... he seemed interesting to me.

I've been on the Internet long enough not to be affected by the general stupidity of YouTube comments so I went to see what people were saying. Someone pointed out that the actor who portrayed/voiced Josh (Rami Malek) had a major role on a show called Mr Robot.

 Now, as much as I hated that fucking title, I was willing to give it a chance. I mean, I've watched a hell of a lot of television. I hate some and I love some. I hated The Riches but loved Shameless. Hated Scandal but loved How to Get Away with Murder. You win some and you lose some.

I have to say that I absolutely love Mr Robot. It feels very raw to me. I love how talented Rami is in it. It's the kind of acting that gives you chills. It's a breathtaking experience to watch every scene and just watching this clip had me sold. It felt like I was watching the future expectations of all television series.

I'm about five episodes in and I know some major shit goes down. It's okay, I still watched every episode of HTGAWM even after knowing every detail of what happens. Things happen.

Plus, in Mr Robot, Elliot saved the dog! He saved Flipper! Hooray!

I even took some time to read what others were saying about it (sorry, I'm not a hacker or anything) and it seems like most of them agree that everything was researched well and executed well. So bonus points for accuracy!

Time to get back to watching it instead of, um, focusing on my precalc marks...




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9/06/2015

You're Not a Comedian

   9/06/2015      

I'm not even sure what to title this blog post, because honestly, I don't want this trashbag's name anywhere on my blog. I didn't even know if I wanted to do this post, but after seeing some people on Tumblr's reactions, I knew I needed to say something.

I don't like to make posts talking about YouTubers. I barely watch many YouTubers (I watch about 10 on a constant basis) and I find most drama on there pointless.

I knew about this 'comedian' before this video, but I really didn't care about her too much. I never found her funny and the jumpcuts are so fucking annoying. I get it, she has boobs and says offensive shit. However, I find the last episode of Mr Rogers' Neighborhood more funny than any of her videos.

The first video I saw with her in it was Dear Instagram Models or whatever it was called. Basically, Nicole Arbour said that Instagram models that don't get paid for their work aren't real models. She made those standards, guys!

So since blonde girls can make standards for people, and I just dyed my roots blonde again, I get to make standards! You say you're a comedian, Nicole Arbour? I just decided you're not. Checkmate, bitch! Take that label off yourself right now, because you're not a comedian. You don't make me laugh, so you're not a comedian. In fact, I doubt you make anyone actually laugh.

Nicole Arbour, you're not an 'edgy' or 'funny' person for posting a video where you say, "OOOOHHH HAHA PEOPLE ARE ALREADY OFFENDED!" before you even begin your idiotic statement you probably had to edit for hours to get all those annoying jumpcuts in. I can't tell if I find you or the jumpcuts more annoying. I guess the only thing I'm happy about while watching your video is the fact I redyed the purple parts of my hair today so they stopped looking so pink so I don't accidentally have hair like your's.

And really, I'm not offended. But the point is that other people are and they feel like complete shit about themselves. I mean, as a comedian, are you supposed to make people feel like they aren't worthy of eating today?

I saw someone on my Tumblr say that her stupid fucking video with her stupid fucking face made them feel like they should never eat again.

And you know what? That scares me. It scares me that there are people not much younger than me- and even older- that haven't dealt with the things I've dealt with and are very impressionable people that would take this piece of shit's video to heart.

Making people who you think are fat feel like shit about their body isn't the way to make them lose weight. Your annoying fucking voice saying that we should all make fat people feel like shit about themselves until they go to the gym is literally what is wrong with the world.

"You got one body," You say in your video. I really don't know why I'm listening to your video, because honestly, most of your viewers probably just mute it and do inappropriate stuff I literally cannot mention in this post because of the children.  Nicole, guess what? You're actually right about something, but you're also a complete failure unless we take it out of context. We do have one body, so congrats on going to school long enough for that! Since we only have one body, shouldn't we love it enough to not think such abusive and cruel things about it?

I have friends of every shape and size these days and my friends that are plus-sized literally had no motivation to go to the gym and work out until they felt okay enough about their own body to go work out. Maybe when you feel confident enough to stop playing the "Guys I'm funny because I'm offensive" card (yes, I made a new card up) you might actually be funny enough for me to laugh at one day.

I can't believe people like this even make fucking money from their dumbass fucking videos.

Also, congrats on making a joke about gay people and glitter. Like I've never heard that one before. I didn't catch the black lady in church joke, but I feel like if I rewind your video to the part before it (where in about 20 seconds there will be about 5 million jumpcuts) I will have wasted my time.

I hope all plus-sized people have enough respect for themselves never to speak to a bitch like you. In fact, I hope all people kind of have enough respect for themselves never to speak to someone like this.

If you're so confident in your dumbass opinions, why do you have to turn off comments and delete them? Maybe it's because you can't take it.

You know what, Nicole Arbour? Fuck you and your stupid fucking Starbucks. I hope a plus-sized Instagram model spat in your coffee. You're not a comedian, because I said so.

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8/30/2015

Shameless US vs UK

   8/30/2015      

I haven't posted in a few days- or something like that- but I wanna just say I'm still alive. Some people might hate that the girl with the purple hair and the obsession with How To Get Away With Murder is still kicking, but whatever. Live your way.

Really, I should be reading the first chapter on my theatre book, but I don't want to neglect this blog. It's my little baby that I'm going to grow into a nice, beautiful, angry teenager. Like the kids in Until Dawn or something. Or Victoria Chase.

Anyways, I've been watching Shameless UK because I wanted to see the differences. I'm not even halfway through it or anything (I skipped a lot of the first season because Shameless US and UK are pretty much the exact same) but I think that both are pretty great in their own ways.

There's characters I like a lot more in the UK version, such as Kash and Debbie. I hated both of them in the US version. I think the exact moment I knew I would like Kash in the UK version is when he was talking to Ian and said that it took every ounce of his will to sleep next to a woman every night when he doesn't like the feel of her skin. I felt a similar way when I used to kiss boys I didn't really like.

I like Mickey in the US version a lot more. He's a lovable prick and I love him so much, okay? I needed a character like Mickey in my life, honestly. I also like Fiona in the US version a lot better,
but her and Jimmy/Steve/Jack/Sonny/Johnny weren't as cute in the US version.

I think that the US version has better looking actors/actresses in it, so that could be a big reason people who are used to the US version and try watching the UK version stop watching it. Yes, we Americans really are that shallow sometimes.

Although, I'll admit I've watched Misfits and would be pissed if they made a US version. They'd cast Rudy as someone who looks picture perfect and I'd be so upset. Also, is it bad I was weirdly attracted to Kelly? I also thought Jess was GORGEOUS, but I bet that's not an unpopular attraction. WAIT. I was attracted to Kelly because of the accent. Also I have a thing for people who attack Hitler because my creepy stalker loves Hitler and Nazism because he's a fucking idiot.

 Anyways. I think I like how Shameless UK focuses more on other characters other than the Gallaghers. It's revolved around the Estate rather than whatever guy we don't care about that Fiona is screwing this week (yes, shade) and I think I like that more. There's only so much drama you can add in the lives of Frank, Fiona, Lip, Ian, Debbie, Carl, and Liam (lol when is the last time Liam got a plotline) without getting bored with the recycled plotlines.

Also, Monica's sexuality seems to get a bit more attention in the UK version in my opinion.

Speaking of Monica, there's the most important topic. The selling point of the US version is who plays Frank.

I think a lot of people gloss over the fact that Frank is literally one of the most important characters in each series. Yeah, he's an ass. He's an alcoholic ass. However, having William H. Macy portray Frank is one of the best choices ever. Honestly, it was hating Frank that drove me to love the US series in the first place. Watching Fiona tell him off and him giving these hilarious speeches was one of the biggest appeals of the series for me.

So, this one goes out to the US version. William H. Macy, you play a mean douchebag!

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8/16/2015

Dealing with Ridiculous People in High School

   8/16/2015      

It's that time of year.

You know, when we buy new clothes and we get that one shirt we really, really fucking hate. We also get school supplies that would look better sitting in a cute container but noooooo it's for school! 

See, the thing about high school is that it's better than middle school, but it sucks more than most other things. So therefore, you totally need advice on it. 

I'm not incredibly popular in school or anything. I've never been to a high school party in my life, nor do I really care enough to want to go. I just did good on my school work and now I'm taking college classes from the local community college. I spruce up my blogs and write blog posts in my spare time while watching Shameless and HTGAWM. Maybe you're living a life totally different to me in high school and having the time of your life partying with the other popular kids and everyone loves you. Good for you, honestly! 

However, if you are living in a similar perspective, you probably have some really ridiculous person being... well, ridiculous.

Now, I know that popular girls aren't evil or bitches, and some of the jocks aren't jerks and in fact just really love playing football. Those people haven't caused me much trouble in high school. The ones who have caused me the most trouble? Uh, this is going to come across as really rude but the two people who gave me the most trouble were two really trashy girls that weren't very popular. 

The first trashy girl would always call me ugly and make fun of my hair. She would always talk about me right there and make fun of the striped shirts I always wore freshman year. Her and her friend Trashy Girl #2 would sit across from me and just point out my hair, clothes, and even what color nails I had on. When she wasn't with Trashy Girl #2, she would stare at me from afar. I think she started a (totally true) rumor that I was lesbian to try to make me feel like shit about myself.

The second trashy girl would just keep going along with Trashy Girl #1. She was a little bit more in my face about it. She did it because, "I was mean to my ex boyfriend", but I just think she wanted more drama in her life. She made up a rumor that I tried to sleep with her imaginary brother and she constantly asked me if I had a boyfriend, then snicker when I said no.

My freshman year I kind of stayed away from my close friends and started to make a few new friendships with people I already knew. The reason I stayed away from my old friend group is because I needed a break from all the drama and general high school cattiness. I still talked to my close friends, just not near either of these two girls. 

This was my lunch table in freshman year: 
I'm the one with the yellow and brown hair. The girl with the purple hair would always read books. Contrary to what you see in the photo, she had two arms. The girl with the JB shirt was not wearing it to signify her love of Joseph Birdsong. She just really fucking loved Justin Bieber, okay? The girl with the short black hair... I barely remember much about her. It's been a few years. She had a boyfriend and freckles on her face. I think she's went on to become a nurse?

We sat near the cafeteria because that was the empty table at the beginning of the year. Of course, that was across from the two ridiculous girls and their group of friends. One day, after getting really pissed off at me for breathing or something, they started throwing food at me. Since they suck at throwing anything, (especially shade- I could beat them at that blindfolded but I've grown up!) they hit poor Black Haired girl in the back of the head. She said, "What the fuck?" and turned around and threw the food back at them.

The two trashy girls started screaming about how we shouldn't throw fucking food and acted like we did it. It's been three years now, and I still know they threw the fucking food, but whatever. I'm sure when they're living life like they're in Orange is the New Black, it's going to be a different ending.

I think the thing that made them so ridiculous is that everything pissed them off. They would get angry at teachers for trying to help them. They would get mad at me for hating my ex boyfriend, but they hated him about as much as I did. They would also get pissed at people for not dressing the way they wanted them to. They would try to fight people who so much looked at them wrong. They would also threaten to kill me after school, but I'm still breathing. 

I know that there's lots of people who live like that, but God, don't you ever get tired of living that way? 

If you really want to know how the story ended that year, I went to the counselor and talked to her twice that year. The first time was because I ended up telling them to shut up when they were indirectly talking about me and the clothes I wear. A sweet teacher at my school was supervising my class that period, so he ended up talking to me after I had his class about how I should stay out of drama. Sweet teacher, I know you were trying to help, but lil' old freshman year Me could deal with it. Even if it was dealt by publishing a bunch of passive aggressive Tumblr posts back then. After I went to the counselor after talking to my mom, the counselor moved me into the library first period.

The second time, they sat across from me in science one day and kept saying how ugly I am. I immediately went up to the office and asked for the counselor again, demanding I get moved to a different class so I didn't have to see them or hear them. Apparently I used my Get Out of Bullshit Free cards, because the special ed teacher that had to help with the students with learning disabilities in my class found out and started talking to me about it. 

I really hadn't talked to that teacher much, but I know she gave me detention one time. 

Said teacher asked me to repeat everything they said to me, and she told me some of her really mean high school classmates. Apparently there was some girl she played sports with who would prank call her and say nasty things to her that came to her looking for help. Teacher basically told her to screw off and watched her fail. The teacher told me I was a smart, beautiful girl and they were just ridiculous, dramatic girls who were just looking for a rise out of me. 

I got moved to the nice science class where we learned about seeds and reproduction with the popular jock boys who would make jokes about farm animals having sex. I got a nice new teacher who would teach my veterinary science class junior year. My previous teacher would ask me if things were going better sophomore year, and the nice special ed teacher (who everyone thought was awful but she's honestly one of the sweetest teachers I've ever known) would ask me in the hallways how everything was going. 

It meant a lot to me that teachers cared, even if at the time I thought they were just teachers. Word of advice for freshman: teachers are some of the coolest people ever. They just want you to learn, really.

I guess there's kind of the final conclusion to this story. Yeah, the two really trashy girls would constantly laugh at me and still call me ugly. One time, I was listening to Fall Out Boy in the morning and the second trashy girl went off on me. I really don't know what she said (nor do I care, because hey, I was listening to Infinity on High, which is the official best Fall Out Boy album imo) but she acted like I would really care what she had to say. 

Eventually, the world became a bigger place than what people thought of me. I had advanced art, Excel, and of course, an entire blog to run. I have college- and an entire future- to think about. 

Those girls, though? They grew up, in a way. Trashy Girl #1 is going to drop out of high school because Trashy Girl #2 had a baby with a forty year old. 

I guess the moral of the story is that if it gets really bad, go talk to someone. Bitches be crazy and all, but you're one of a kind. Just make sure that none of the ridiculous stuff people do interfere with your mental health. I mean, I laugh at most of the memories of stuff that they did, but back then, it really affected me personally. When you get older, your perspective of the world grows with you and things people said about you in the beginning of high school mean less and less. 

I mean, yeah, this stuff was horrible to go through, but eventually I got through it a much stronger, better person. It made me the person I am today. 

I hope you can a nice, ridiculous-free year in high school this year, reader!

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8/11/2015

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