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Teenage Gay Blues
I'm currently brainstorming a title for this post while typing it.
I think one thing that some people don't realize about growing up as a member of the LGBT+ community is how it feels for us as a teenager.
Nothing against my straight friends, of course. You're lovely, accepting people. You've been there for me. I can't hate you for having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I really can't. I'm not that kind of person that bullies a whole group of people just because of one or two bad eggs.
I remember when I had a boyfriend. I wasn't happy, but for a split second, I felt like I fit in. You know, with the rest of the girls who had boyfriends. Sure, they might not have lasted very long, but there was always finding another boy they felt an emotional connection to. I finally felt like I could gossip with girls about how our boyfriends act. And it made me feel like I was actually one of them.
Of course, I wasn't.
I don't like boys. I've known this longer than I really wanted to admit to myself. I resented myself for a lot of stress I put myself through while I denied it. See, I tried to bargain. I tried to bargain with someone that I don't believe exists anymore that if I just took a step to the right and avoided the left, I would turn out normal.
All I wanted to be was one of the girls with the boyfriend. I resented the kind of life I could have if I was happy. Being with a guy isn't what makes me happy- and it's things like this I've rehearsed saying in my head before saying them to anyone else. I'm not the kind of person who says the first thing that pops into my head, which made this even harder for me. I went over every single word I would say.
Of course, I'm the editor of my own words. I can cut what words I say.
I think as time passes, I've gotten over my middle school years. But every once in awhile when I'm talking to my straight friends, I remember that feeling. And it's not their fault, it really isn't. I'm at peace with myself- something I couldn't honestly say for years- but sometimes, I remember things.
Nothing against my straight friends, of course. You're lovely, accepting people. You've been there for me. I can't hate you for having a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I really can't. I'm not that kind of person that bullies a whole group of people just because of one or two bad eggs.
I remember when I had a boyfriend. I wasn't happy, but for a split second, I felt like I fit in. You know, with the rest of the girls who had boyfriends. Sure, they might not have lasted very long, but there was always finding another boy they felt an emotional connection to. I finally felt like I could gossip with girls about how our boyfriends act. And it made me feel like I was actually one of them.
Of course, I wasn't.
I don't like boys. I've known this longer than I really wanted to admit to myself. I resented myself for a lot of stress I put myself through while I denied it. See, I tried to bargain. I tried to bargain with someone that I don't believe exists anymore that if I just took a step to the right and avoided the left, I would turn out normal.
All I wanted to be was one of the girls with the boyfriend. I resented the kind of life I could have if I was happy. Being with a guy isn't what makes me happy- and it's things like this I've rehearsed saying in my head before saying them to anyone else. I'm not the kind of person who says the first thing that pops into my head, which made this even harder for me. I went over every single word I would say.
Of course, I'm the editor of my own words. I can cut what words I say.
I think as time passes, I've gotten over my middle school years. But every once in awhile when I'm talking to my straight friends, I remember that feeling. And it's not their fault, it really isn't. I'm at peace with myself- something I couldn't honestly say for years- but sometimes, I remember things.
There's also that one problem if you're gay in a small town as a teenager. Every out gay person has dated each other. I mean, I'm not going to ramble anymore, but seriously?
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