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Diary Post #165
So I don't like to talk about my life too much on here. I prefer to bottle up a lot of my emotions, and let them age like a fine wine before anyone can take a sip of them. That's why I've avoided counseling all these years. Oh, and also the fact counseling is expensive. And the fact I just deal better by not talking about things.
But guess what? 2017 has been a rough year. I mean, I'm laughing at the failure of El Presidente Trump, which makes me a horrible American but a hilarious person to be friends with on Facebook.
First, my grandmother passed away. She was in a lot of pain ever since I was born. She had chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, which is a disease I can't remember the exact words, let alone spell without the help of ol' trusty Google.
I don't know why I didn't see it coming. I just assumed that she was always going to be there, you know? She had been sick all those years, so I just assumed that she was going to live the normal age of elderly grandmas everywhere. But nope. She got so skinny, so sick, and so bad so fast.
And I watched it, thinking it was normal.
She never got to see my high school graduation. She never got to see the world. She had to stay at home all those years.
And you know what? It sucked, but I never really realized it until she passed away.
Sure, I had other people in my family pass away. Pets, too. But none of them were as influential as my grandmother.
She raised me. She walked me to the school bus every single day, even though she had this illness that made her struggle every single day. She let me make her entire house a mess without even thinking twice. She even roasted marshmellows for me.
But now she's gone, and while one part of me is happy that she no longer has to suffer to breathe, there's a chunk of me that feels empty and doesn't know quite how to react.
My dog had to be euthanized a couple of days ago, too. She had a tumor in her throat that couldn't be fixed. She was vomiting up everything she was eating. I never got to say goodbye to her or my grandmother.
We used to live in the middle of nowhere, but in the last few years of her life, we moved near a park. She got to go for a real walk in the last few years of her life. She loved it. She jumped around like a rabbit, and barked like she was a tiny puppy again. All of her energy came back from when she was young. I swear you could see a smile on her face.
I didn't cry when I found out. But I'm crying now.
I don't really think about death much, but this year is changing that.
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