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Garbage Heap of Hollywood Productions: The Mortal Instruments Movie
First of all, I never read the books. Nor do I plan on reading them because I find Jace really fucking annoying and supposedly he's even more annoying in the books. I do however watch the cheesy Freeform show and laugh my ass off whenever something bad happens to him.
I'm watching this movie because I am curious to how this has a 12% on Rotten Tomatoes.
First of all, let me tell you why I am not excited to watch this movie.
The Cast
Lily Collins as Clary Fray
Jamie Campbell Bower as Jace Wayland
Kevin Zegers as Alec Lightwood
Robert Sheehan as Simon Lewis
Jemima West as Izzy Lightwood
Lily Collins is an overrated actress. Jamie Campbell Bower belongs on /r/punchablefaces, and he always looks like the poster child for white collar crime. I've never heard of Kevin Zegers, but he looks like a douche with a drop of Matt Bomer. He was also in Air Bud! Robert was in Misfits, so it's going to be hard for me to watch this without thinking about the time Nathan had sex with an old lady. Jemima West is pretty, but #NotMyIzzyLightwood
Annnnddddd... why does Clary's mom have an accent? I'm trying my best not to pick at every. single. fucking. thing, but why? Also, why do they have to establish a love triangle so early on?
"here clary i made you coffee with a bit of my heart and a lot of my jiz- i mean pixie stick dust"
It's not even 10 minutes into the film and Clary has met both of her love interests. Why can't she be like every other normal person and download Tinder, meeting the man of her dreams after having casual sex with him three times before deciding to take it slow? This movie is 2 hours long? Why? Why in God's name is this 2 fucking hours long? Couldn't you just TL;DW it and simplify it down to "Folger's, but not really. Our home was torn apart by a cup!"
Movie mistake number 1:
Clary causes an explosion to kill off a weird creature. The explosion goes out the kitchen window, but then....
there's no burning curtains.
Why are female protagonists thrilled to see that some weird fuck saved them from something awful? Why do they gotta hug? If I had to be saved by some weird fucker, I am not hugging him. Instead, I'd give him a gumball.
I feel like Jamie Campbell Bower can play Jace as a devious grungy emo a lot better than Dom (from the series) can. Dom plays him as more whiny. I kind of like Jace better in the movie, but I shouldn't speak too soon.
I like how you can see whatever emotion Lily Collins is trying to convey to the audience through her eyebrows. Give this girl an oscar for those eyebrows. What a wonderful actress.
I like how it took a few books for Simon to become a vampire, but in the movie/series they turn him almost immediately. Simon/Nathan are both immortal! How grand. I totally don't want this movie to end. I totally don't want to watch the last episode of Yuri on Ice right now. I don't want to hear Jerry Jewell's sweet Russian accent, or hear Josh Grelle's dorky voice. Nope, fuck that. This movie is just so damn great.
I hate how obvious a Mary Sue Clary is in this movie. I think it's just something about Lily Collins that makes it obvious.
"what are you saying i am a master shadowhunter alec at least i'm not gay"
"i am not gay you're gay"
"alec if i was gay my panties wouldn't be dripping wet when i almost kissed your brother"
"TELL ME HOW HIS LIPS FELT YOU SLUT I HAVE WAITED TO FEEL THOSE SINCE MUH BALLS DROPPED"
"that's... a little gay alec"
hentai.jpeg
I'm too old for this tween supernatural movie. I don't care about Simon or Jace wanting Clary. I don't care about who she is going to end up with. You know what I feel when I see this?
Bored.
I feel bored.
Okay, I really do prefer Jamie as Jace. He's so much more snarky and an asshole in the movie. And you know what we do to snarky assholes on this blog? We promote them.
But you know what I don't like? The rest of the fucking movie. Why the hell did I watch this? Why did I not listen to Milayna? Why did I not listen to Rotten Tomatoes? Why couldn't this end with the reveal that Jace and Clary were the stars in a Folger's commercial this whole time? I'm so bored of this. I can't even make fun of it anymore.
Fun fact: If you look up Mary Sue in the dictionary, Clary would probably show up. Just look at this and tell me how this bitch isn't a Mary Sue to a T. Yes, without practice she has these strong magical powers and knows how to draw all these cool runes. Fuck this.
tfw your crush is your brother!!! #JustTheMortalInstrumentsThingies
Every minute in this movie feels like an eternity. I just want this to end so I don't have to stare at Lily Collins' eyebrows anymore. Also, I want to watch my gay ice skating anime. I have twenty more minutes of this and I'm not sure why they felt it was necessary to drag it on for this long. If they cut out all the stupid Jace and Clary stuff, it would be over.
Also why didn't the ice flying directly at Jace and Clary kill them? This has nothing to do with the fact that Lily Collins annoys me, but more of my curiosity. Okay, it may have a little bit to do with the Collins thing.
Why did this shitty movie have to end with a shitty motorcycle ride into the distance? But then again, why did I think this shitty movie was going to end up any other way?
Good things:
The fight scenes
The special effects are so much better in the movie than on the television show
Jamie Campbell Bower
"Somebody told me you like to play music." *proceeds to slam head into a piano*
Bad things:
Everything else.
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